Runner's post

Just to track my progress - I've been running outdoors for three months now. So far I have run for around 226 K in total. That's in 52 runs. Meaning I run on average every other day!

It all started last winter, when I returned to the gym and decided to run for my warm-ups instead. I've always hated running. Always. The runs I did in the phys-ed I either cheated on or never got anywhere near the passing time - whatever that was.

But the first time I crossed the 2 miles bar in 20 mins I was thrilled. And I kept pushing. Soon my run was 2.5 miles long. And that's when I switched to outdoors. Outdoors is harder - first of all, you don't control your speed that well, secondly I never did any programs on the treadmill - so the uphill and downhill were new to me, as were gravel and asphalt.

So I started at 4.1 K (about the same as the 2.5 miles) - and I took my time - two months - before I increased it to 4.6 K. I've decided to try a longer run about two weeks back. Two attempts failed - both times I was going to do a longer run I had trouble making my regular distance. Tonight I made it! 8.7 K - my first distance with my now regular distance on top. That felt so amazing!!! And it didn't feel uncomfortable on the second lap at all! Like your body goes "oh well, I guess I got a crazy brain, what can you do!" and surrenders. Or else it has learnt its way and just does it. In any case, it's so great!

And I will at some point write an inspiring post - cause there is this gal who inspired me and I cannot tell how grateful to her I am!

Life is complicated

Yeah, I know I might be asking for Captain Obvious award stating this. Whatever, like I always said, we say banal things over and over again cause they're to the point.

My life's been pretty balanced so far or so I thought. I mean for someone who went through a change of countries and marriages and many more other things it all went pretty smoothly and didn't cause much disturbance in myself. I shrugged things off that others would consider shattering.

We will rock you!

I knew it would happen! I was given a project that will either be my triumph or undoing. I actually volunteered for it, but under the circumstances it was very clear that my boss would put it on my shoulders in no time - he was probably just figuring out what to do at the point, so I jumped a step ahead of him (not a very hard thing to do) and offered my services.

And the big boss said he was confident I could do it - after all I'm a smart girl - so nice to hear that I must admit (even if it was only said to give me a carrot - not sure whether that's the case).

Desensitizing

It's hard to believe now but I was quite sensitive kid. I would get really upset when someone criticized me or merely teased me. I was very sentimental too - I would collect some stupid memorabilia or cry over some touching moment in the movies. This whole thing made me very vulnerable. I found it was annoying and decided to fight it.

Getting my mood back on track

In general I am a very positive person. My glass is half-full most of the time and I am finding positive things in any bad situations. I do! But now and then there are days that really crush you. And when things are that way, it feels way worse for me than for many others. I am not used to feeling down! I have no operation mode for that.

I was having a day like that today - the weather, my boss, an incredibly painful flu shot all came together at once and made me feel down.

But good thing about being a positive person is knowing how to fight these things off. It comes naturally - like, planning a gym visit and a shopping trip and starting looking forward to it. Or getting some annoying task over with - and feeling relief. Or receiving a response to a request you've submitted weeks ago after a reminder you just made to the guy without much hope of hearing back.

Silly tiny things like that do contribute to improving moods once you start noticing them. Oh, and green tea with mint - turns out I am crazy about it! Who would have thought!

My special thanks go to my friend Sairah for not giving up on my miserable whiny self and trying to improve my mood. It worked! ;)

Fears

I've been pretty fearless for the most of my life. Some people might have even considered me reckless. But since I became a mom, I've been struggling with intensified phobias - fear of flying and fear of cancer skyrocketed in my subconsciousness to the levels that were really interfering with my ability to enjoy myself.

There was a number of issues that contributed to this development - new LOAD of responsibility I've never experienced before (where I want to be there to watch my kids grow, to help them develop into happy people they deserve to be), some turbulence in my personal relationship as well as distrust for the healthcare system that's accumulated over the last three years.

I guess I am out of the woods now though. Maybe the shitty spring and return to work were also part of the problem and now that these are in the past, my self-persuasion of not letting my fears to control my life are finally working. Maybe vacation with my dear friends worked the magic. Whatever the reason, I am grateful I got it under control. Not sure I can say I conquered it yet. 

Putting things into prospective

Almost every time when I feel that my patience is running out, or when I get distracted from reading or watching something interesting for a thousandth's time in a row, I tell myself: time freaking flies. What will you be more sorry about - the fact that you were irritated by your babes and missed something cute while reading another article on the Web, or the fact that you spent lots of time with the kids and missed another stupid episode of your favourite show? They won't be eight months anymore while downloading and watching the show is a matter of minutes. 

The long way to self-confidence in my looks

I've always been a very self-confident person - to the extent of where too much ain't good. But that self-confidence only applied to my personality and intelligence - I was always the smart and bright one who had it very easy at school - it didn't take me any or almost any effort to grasp new material. It's been catch 22 for me - I never learnt how to input my energy and time to gain something - homework and such have always been rather irritating and annoying obstacles getting in the way of real fun. I rarely enjoyed researching something for school - although I researched a lot of stuff out of my own curiosity. The only exception is the math - I enjoyed it and it was somewhat challenging to understand - probably, that's why I am in finance now! :)

Career choices

If I have enough courage, I will someday switch from cost department into revenue one. And here is why. The main purpose of any cost department is to cut its costs - either by increasing efficiencies and effectiveness or by paying the staff the bare minimum. Or both. There is certain praise for great performance for sure - to encourage the well-performing employee and their colleagues. However, it's usually not that generous - again, due to the main purpose of the cost department. No extra expenses are welcome - any of these require lots of approval and undergo scrutiny.

Now turn to revenue generating departments. They can use all means as long as they bring in money. They get moderate-to huge bonuses for performing and over-performing. No one really cares whether the person knows the most efficient way of using the available tools as long as he or she generates cash. Because cash is the King and everyone is well aware of it. There is a Russian saying "grass is always greener on the neighbor's lawn" - maybe it's true and I know perfectly well how much stress salespeople and alike are under to meet their quota. However, their reward is definitely greater than ours.

Things I learned today

I went for a very cool interview today - the best interview I've been to so far - and I had a few by now.

 But this post isn't about it. It's what I suddenly realized afterwards. There are two things.

First, arrogance brings success. Not lots of it, but a healthy portion - once you demonstrate that you are confident, others believe that too. Moreover, you start believing it yourself - and believing in one's success is halfway to the success itself.

 Secondly, I finally got over my attitude "I am nothing special - just average". Attitude is probably not the right word though - maybe fear. Anyway, now (yeah, about time) I know I am not. I am special and I am not average - I am above average. Where exactly - not at the top where "the best of the best" reside, but somewhere above average for sure. My attitude to life, my character, my skills, my experience, my intelligence, my abilities - all this together makes me that.

 To sum it up - it's been a helluva good day!

To-do List

Since my CMA studying is almost done (YAY!), it's time for me to get some other things going I was postponing using CMA as excuse.

One can call it belated New Year's resolutions. :)

Here I go (I am deliberately not numbering them to not have an illusion of sequence - they all have to be done!):

• Start REGULARLY reading in German - probably starting with Remarque 
• Start REGULARLY exercising - at least do the pushups - the belly has to go!
• Admit my Internet addiction and fight it - no more Internet Warrior
• Start REGULARLY blogging in English - I realize it contradicts the previous point to some extent however, I don't want to lose my written English skills while on mat leave

That's it so far - you can notice how repetition is my Big Issue - I'd say Issue #1. I can easily start doing many things - but they rarely stick with me for extended time - I somehow move on pretty fast.

• I'll be updating the list REGULARLY to trace progress as well as to add items to it.

Cherishing every moment of motherhood... almost

A huge change happened in my life on January 29th - I became mom to the two best babies in the world. Yep, no discussion on the best in the world part at all. They're boy and girl - so we now have a millionaire's family - just one tiny thing is missing - the million.

Putting everything into prospective

In an interview with Suzanne Collins I recently watched she said that the idea for Hunger Games came to her, when she switched channels on her TV. One channel was showing some kind of reality show, where bunch of teenagers were competing for cash. The other channel was providing updates on war in Syria, where people and children were dying.

I am a survivor

I have been reading the Hunger Games Trilogy over the long weekend and among lots of enjoyment I had reading them, they helped me realize something about myself. Like the main character of the books, I am a survivor. No matter what life throws at me, it won’t break me. Unsettle me – maybe, but never damage me beyond repair. And never will I go under without a battle.

It’s probably not the fact to be proud of, but getting to know myself better is an achievement for me – I was never good at reflection.

I believe this very feature makes me very adaptable to whatever changes I face. I am able to alter myself to not feel uncomfortable under the new circumstances. Like when I was a child, I was really sentimental about what home was. I cried for days, when I found out, that we were moving from the apartment where I’ve spent the first thirteen years of my life. I also was really upset when we sold the cottage where I used to spend summers.

But with time I made myself change the attitude – not that it changed on its own, I remember working on it. That’s what made me a good immigrant – I don’t miss many things, because it’s disturbing and I don’t let myself to get upset. Life’s too short for that kind of things and sad feelings don’t add much value to it.

Pick your battles

I used to be really stubborn in trying to prove my solution was the best possible for the situation. The scale of the problem or its significance to me personally did not really matter. Once I got started, I would not abandon the ship until either full victory or complete defeat were achieved.

Now I notice that I am more willing to step back and not escalate the whole situation by trying to get my point to the other party when I realize that the problem is not important to me. I guess I am a way better politician now as I am ready to give up my position in exchange for an ally. I do not surrender with a white flag, I just make the point of how I missed a different prospective in the situation and how this changes the whole approach of mine.

Don't call me Baby!

I get highly annoyed when people call me Ana. Especially when I have just introduced myself to them as Anastasia. It's not something unpronounceable, is it? And if a person tells me his name is Michael, I won't call him Mike unless told so. People don't know, but there are actually two different names in Russia - Anastasia and Anna - and Ana sounds like the latter to me. Argh!

I have even made a notice and put it over my desk stating "Wanna get in trouble? Try and call me Ana!"

Religion VS Faith

Ok, here I go – I am currently experiencing a religious crisis.

Approaching the 30th birthday

I realize that it is not bad at all.

I wish

I always knew God had a weird sense of humour. Just look at platypus as they jested in the Dogma. I had so much personal experience that proved the proverb “be careful what you wish for”, that I quitted making wishes whatsoever. This is the reason I like the Bedazzled so much – it’s so true!

A day full of discoveries

I have just been called an “import”