Sunday, December 7, 2014

Life is complicated

Yeah, I know I might be asking for Captain Obvious award stating this. Whatever, like I always said, we say banal things over and over again cause they're to the point.

My life's been pretty balanced so far or so I thought. I mean for someone who went through a change of countries and marriages and many more other things it all went pretty smoothly and didn't cause much disturbance in myself. I shrugged things off that others would consider shattering.

But it's a bad thing. Once you push an experience from your memory, you don't learn from it anymore. Or at all to that matter. And those who don't own to their mistakes are destined to repeat them over and over again. Very much my case.

I've been infantile for far too long, I've mastered the science of being an ostrich - I avoid facing hard choices by hiding my head in the sand. But obviously the lion is still there and won't walk away.

My unwillingness to hurt people lead to unnecessary relationships - friendships and romances alike - to drag along for far too longer than they needed to be. I was raised to act cruel and cynical, I willed myself to change and turn my back on it and in doing so I went too far - into sacrificing my own desires and wishes in order to please, to be nice, not to hurt anyone, to be a good person.

This behavior doesn't really work out for either party. The lion is still there. Subconsciously I can hear it roaring, glaring at me - and I start acting mean - to avoid acting myself I start pushing people into direction I want the situation to develop. I want them to initiate the hurtful outcome and be the bad guys. I avoid responsibility, and this is so not like my past self so many people used to admire. I was decisive and brave and honest. Cruel, but cruelty is the price for honesty in some cases. I guess I have to admit it and act accordingly.

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