Getting my mood back on track

In general I am a very positive person. My glass is half-full most of the time and I am finding positive things in any bad situations. I do! But now and then there are days that really crush you. And when things are that way, it feels way worse for me than for many others. I am not used to feeling down! I have no operation mode for that.

I was having a day like that today - the weather, my boss, an incredibly painful flu shot all came together at once and made me feel down.

But good thing about being a positive person is knowing how to fight these things off. It comes naturally - like, planning a gym visit and a shopping trip and starting looking forward to it. Or getting some annoying task over with - and feeling relief. Or receiving a response to a request you've submitted weeks ago after a reminder you just made to the guy without much hope of hearing back.

Silly tiny things like that do contribute to improving moods once you start noticing them. Oh, and green tea with mint - turns out I am crazy about it! Who would have thought!

My special thanks go to my friend Sairah for not giving up on my miserable whiny self and trying to improve my mood. It worked! ;)

Who are you? What do you want?

Those two questions Jack the Ripper kept asking the two main protagonists of Babylon Five in an episode over and over again. I watched it for the first times in my teenage years. I loved it to pieces but for this episode that creeped me out and gave me goose bumps. Half a life later I remember few things from the series, but this episode is still coming back. Not because of its creepiness, but as an unsolved riddle.

 I guess I figured that one out though. Or rather my life did for me. Those are indeed the two hardest questions for any person. That is, thinking person. And to tell you the truth, my current answer is I don’t know. I am lost and I am not sure I want to look in the mirror and try to analyze what’s going on inside me. I have become so evasive, I've shut so many doors and don’t want to peek behind them no more that I lost myself in the process. I’m going down the the rabbit’s hole deeper and deeper and I am not sure I’ll find my way out.

 I’m pretty sure about one thing – there is no way back. And that freaks me out so much that I am constantly trying to get rid of this realization too. So evasive, so not like myself that I am distressed and upset most of the time. But I can feel the wind of change, I just need to gain enough courage to spread my wings and embrace it.

Fears

I've been pretty fearless for the most of my life. Some people might have even considered me reckless. But since I became a mom, I've been struggling with intensified phobias - fear of flying and fear of cancer skyrocketed in my subconsciousness to the levels that were really interfering with my ability to enjoy myself.

There was a number of issues that contributed to this development - new LOAD of responsibility I've never experienced before (where I want to be there to watch my kids grow, to help them develop into happy people they deserve to be), some turbulence in my personal relationship as well as distrust for the healthcare system that's accumulated over the last three years.

I guess I am out of the woods now though. Maybe the shitty spring and return to work were also part of the problem and now that these are in the past, my self-persuasion of not letting my fears to control my life are finally working. Maybe vacation with my dear friends worked the magic. Whatever the reason, I am grateful I got it under control. Not sure I can say I conquered it yet. 

Live like you were dying

Couple days ago I discovered some swollen lymph nodes in the side of my neck as well as in the armpit.
I went to see a doctor as per Telehealth advice and she sent me to get some tests done. What does a modern person do these days when she discovers something odd with her body? Correct, she googles it. My oh my, do I know everything about the lymphadenopathy there is to know and even more by now!

Putting things into prospective

Almost every time when I feel that my patience is running out, or when I get distracted from reading or watching something interesting for a thousandth's time in a row, I tell myself: time freaking flies. What will you be more sorry about - the fact that you were irritated by your babes and missed something cute while reading another article on the Web, or the fact that you spent lots of time with the kids and missed another stupid episode of your favourite show? They won't be eight months anymore while downloading and watching the show is a matter of minutes. 

The long way to self-confidence in my looks

I've always been a very self-confident person - to the extent of where too much ain't good. But that self-confidence only applied to my personality and intelligence - I was always the smart and bright one who had it very easy at school - it didn't take me any or almost any effort to grasp new material. It's been catch 22 for me - I never learnt how to input my energy and time to gain something - homework and such have always been rather irritating and annoying obstacles getting in the way of real fun. I rarely enjoyed researching something for school - although I researched a lot of stuff out of my own curiosity. The only exception is the math - I enjoyed it and it was somewhat challenging to understand - probably, that's why I am in finance now! :)

Career choices

If I have enough courage, I will someday switch from cost department into revenue one. And here is why. The main purpose of any cost department is to cut its costs - either by increasing efficiencies and effectiveness or by paying the staff the bare minimum. Or both. There is certain praise for great performance for sure - to encourage the well-performing employee and their colleagues. However, it's usually not that generous - again, due to the main purpose of the cost department. No extra expenses are welcome - any of these require lots of approval and undergo scrutiny.

Now turn to revenue generating departments. They can use all means as long as they bring in money. They get moderate-to huge bonuses for performing and over-performing. No one really cares whether the person knows the most efficient way of using the available tools as long as he or she generates cash. Because cash is the King and everyone is well aware of it. There is a Russian saying "grass is always greener on the neighbor's lawn" - maybe it's true and I know perfectly well how much stress salespeople and alike are under to meet their quota. However, their reward is definitely greater than ours.