Runner's post

Just to track my progress - I've been running outdoors for three months now. So far I have run for around 226 K in total. That's in 52 runs. Meaning I run on average every other day!

It all started last winter, when I returned to the gym and decided to run for my warm-ups instead. I've always hated running. Always. The runs I did in the phys-ed I either cheated on or never got anywhere near the passing time - whatever that was.

But the first time I crossed the 2 miles bar in 20 mins I was thrilled. And I kept pushing. Soon my run was 2.5 miles long. And that's when I switched to outdoors. Outdoors is harder - first of all, you don't control your speed that well, secondly I never did any programs on the treadmill - so the uphill and downhill were new to me, as were gravel and asphalt.

So I started at 4.1 K (about the same as the 2.5 miles) - and I took my time - two months - before I increased it to 4.6 K. I've decided to try a longer run about two weeks back. Two attempts failed - both times I was going to do a longer run I had trouble making my regular distance. Tonight I made it! 8.7 K - my first distance with my now regular distance on top. That felt so amazing!!! And it didn't feel uncomfortable on the second lap at all! Like your body goes "oh well, I guess I got a crazy brain, what can you do!" and surrenders. Or else it has learnt its way and just does it. In any case, it's so great!

And I will at some point write an inspiring post - cause there is this gal who inspired me and I cannot tell how grateful to her I am!

Life is complicated

Yeah, I know I might be asking for Captain Obvious award stating this. Whatever, like I always said, we say banal things over and over again cause they're to the point.

My life's been pretty balanced so far or so I thought. I mean for someone who went through a change of countries and marriages and many more other things it all went pretty smoothly and didn't cause much disturbance in myself. I shrugged things off that others would consider shattering.

We will rock you!

I knew it would happen! I was given a project that will either be my triumph or undoing. I actually volunteered for it, but under the circumstances it was very clear that my boss would put it on my shoulders in no time - he was probably just figuring out what to do at the point, so I jumped a step ahead of him (not a very hard thing to do) and offered my services.

And the big boss said he was confident I could do it - after all I'm a smart girl - so nice to hear that I must admit (even if it was only said to give me a carrot - not sure whether that's the case).

Desensitizing

It's hard to believe now but I was quite sensitive kid. I would get really upset when someone criticized me or merely teased me. I was very sentimental too - I would collect some stupid memorabilia or cry over some touching moment in the movies. This whole thing made me very vulnerable. I found it was annoying and decided to fight it.

Getting my mood back on track

In general I am a very positive person. My glass is half-full most of the time and I am finding positive things in any bad situations. I do! But now and then there are days that really crush you. And when things are that way, it feels way worse for me than for many others. I am not used to feeling down! I have no operation mode for that.

I was having a day like that today - the weather, my boss, an incredibly painful flu shot all came together at once and made me feel down.

But good thing about being a positive person is knowing how to fight these things off. It comes naturally - like, planning a gym visit and a shopping trip and starting looking forward to it. Or getting some annoying task over with - and feeling relief. Or receiving a response to a request you've submitted weeks ago after a reminder you just made to the guy without much hope of hearing back.

Silly tiny things like that do contribute to improving moods once you start noticing them. Oh, and green tea with mint - turns out I am crazy about it! Who would have thought!

My special thanks go to my friend Sairah for not giving up on my miserable whiny self and trying to improve my mood. It worked! ;)

Who are you? What do you want?

Those two questions Jack the Ripper kept asking the two main protagonists of Babylon Five in an episode over and over again. I watched it for the first times in my teenage years. I loved it to pieces but for this episode that creeped me out and gave me goose bumps. Half a life later I remember few things from the series, but this episode is still coming back. Not because of its creepiness, but as an unsolved riddle.

 I guess I figured that one out though. Or rather my life did for me. Those are indeed the two hardest questions for any person. That is, thinking person. And to tell you the truth, my current answer is I don’t know. I am lost and I am not sure I want to look in the mirror and try to analyze what’s going on inside me. I have become so evasive, I've shut so many doors and don’t want to peek behind them no more that I lost myself in the process. I’m going down the the rabbit’s hole deeper and deeper and I am not sure I’ll find my way out.

 I’m pretty sure about one thing – there is no way back. And that freaks me out so much that I am constantly trying to get rid of this realization too. So evasive, so not like myself that I am distressed and upset most of the time. But I can feel the wind of change, I just need to gain enough courage to spread my wings and embrace it.

Fears

I've been pretty fearless for the most of my life. Some people might have even considered me reckless. But since I became a mom, I've been struggling with intensified phobias - fear of flying and fear of cancer skyrocketed in my subconsciousness to the levels that were really interfering with my ability to enjoy myself.

There was a number of issues that contributed to this development - new LOAD of responsibility I've never experienced before (where I want to be there to watch my kids grow, to help them develop into happy people they deserve to be), some turbulence in my personal relationship as well as distrust for the healthcare system that's accumulated over the last three years.

I guess I am out of the woods now though. Maybe the shitty spring and return to work were also part of the problem and now that these are in the past, my self-persuasion of not letting my fears to control my life are finally working. Maybe vacation with my dear friends worked the magic. Whatever the reason, I am grateful I got it under control. Not sure I can say I conquered it yet. 

Live like you were dying

Couple days ago I discovered some swollen lymph nodes in the side of my neck as well as in the armpit.
I went to see a doctor as per Telehealth advice and she sent me to get some tests done. What does a modern person do these days when she discovers something odd with her body? Correct, she googles it. My oh my, do I know everything about the lymphadenopathy there is to know and even more by now!

Putting things into prospective

Almost every time when I feel that my patience is running out, or when I get distracted from reading or watching something interesting for a thousandth's time in a row, I tell myself: time freaking flies. What will you be more sorry about - the fact that you were irritated by your babes and missed something cute while reading another article on the Web, or the fact that you spent lots of time with the kids and missed another stupid episode of your favourite show? They won't be eight months anymore while downloading and watching the show is a matter of minutes. 

The long way to self-confidence in my looks

I've always been a very self-confident person - to the extent of where too much ain't good. But that self-confidence only applied to my personality and intelligence - I was always the smart and bright one who had it very easy at school - it didn't take me any or almost any effort to grasp new material. It's been catch 22 for me - I never learnt how to input my energy and time to gain something - homework and such have always been rather irritating and annoying obstacles getting in the way of real fun. I rarely enjoyed researching something for school - although I researched a lot of stuff out of my own curiosity. The only exception is the math - I enjoyed it and it was somewhat challenging to understand - probably, that's why I am in finance now! :)

Career choices

If I have enough courage, I will someday switch from cost department into revenue one. And here is why. The main purpose of any cost department is to cut its costs - either by increasing efficiencies and effectiveness or by paying the staff the bare minimum. Or both. There is certain praise for great performance for sure - to encourage the well-performing employee and their colleagues. However, it's usually not that generous - again, due to the main purpose of the cost department. No extra expenses are welcome - any of these require lots of approval and undergo scrutiny.

Now turn to revenue generating departments. They can use all means as long as they bring in money. They get moderate-to huge bonuses for performing and over-performing. No one really cares whether the person knows the most efficient way of using the available tools as long as he or she generates cash. Because cash is the King and everyone is well aware of it. There is a Russian saying "grass is always greener on the neighbor's lawn" - maybe it's true and I know perfectly well how much stress salespeople and alike are under to meet their quota. However, their reward is definitely greater than ours.

Things I learned today

I went for a very cool interview today - the best interview I've been to so far - and I had a few by now.

 But this post isn't about it. It's what I suddenly realized afterwards. There are two things.

First, arrogance brings success. Not lots of it, but a healthy portion - once you demonstrate that you are confident, others believe that too. Moreover, you start believing it yourself - and believing in one's success is halfway to the success itself.

 Secondly, I finally got over my attitude "I am nothing special - just average". Attitude is probably not the right word though - maybe fear. Anyway, now (yeah, about time) I know I am not. I am special and I am not average - I am above average. Where exactly - not at the top where "the best of the best" reside, but somewhere above average for sure. My attitude to life, my character, my skills, my experience, my intelligence, my abilities - all this together makes me that.

 To sum it up - it's been a helluva good day!

To-do List

Since my CMA studying is almost done (YAY!), it's time for me to get some other things going I was postponing using CMA as excuse.

One can call it belated New Year's resolutions. :)

Here I go (I am deliberately not numbering them to not have an illusion of sequence - they all have to be done!):

• Start REGULARLY reading in German - probably starting with Remarque 
• Start REGULARLY exercising - at least do the pushups - the belly has to go!
• Admit my Internet addiction and fight it - no more Internet Warrior
• Start REGULARLY blogging in English - I realize it contradicts the previous point to some extent however, I don't want to lose my written English skills while on mat leave

That's it so far - you can notice how repetition is my Big Issue - I'd say Issue #1. I can easily start doing many things - but they rarely stick with me for extended time - I somehow move on pretty fast.

• I'll be updating the list REGULARLY to trace progress as well as to add items to it.

Cherishing every moment of motherhood... almost

A huge change happened in my life on January 29th - I became mom to the two best babies in the world. Yep, no discussion on the best in the world part at all. They're boy and girl - so we now have a millionaire's family - just one tiny thing is missing - the million.

Still think it's cruel

I've reread the Hunger Games trilogy for the third time now I believe. I really like the action-dystopia-romance mix of it.

What I still don't get from the whole book is why Suzanne Collins had to kill Finnick Odair. I think it's unnecessary cruel - not to the fans (I went to check any explanations online - omg, what a crazy squeaking of teenage girls around the death!), but to Annie Cresta.

He was the only person, at least the way it is described in the book, who could comfort and reassure the unstable girl, he was keeping her from disintegrating. I'm not buying into the quasi happy-end with her having his son. I don't see how a mentally ill person who loses the light of her life can be kept together by this.

Turning 30 – an insight

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.” – Mark Twain

I have to confess – I turned 30 last Saturday. I’ve been somewhat nervous about six months ago – anticipating a huge meltdown of “OMG! It’s 30! How? Why?!!”. But then I just didn’t care. I mean the whole time measuring thing was made up by people to begin with. People love putting everything in a certain order, accounting for things. Time was no exception. So why would I freak out about something that does not really exist?

Also, it’s not the question of “how long” you’ve been around. It’s a question of “how you’ve spent it”. I personally believe that I did my best at enjoying myself and developing to become a better person. It’s still a work in progress and the time I’ll be able to say it’s done won’t ever come. The moment you stop learning you start degrading. I hope this never happens to me.

Waiting

Sometimes waiting is sooo excruciating – you want the answer badly, you check the clock every minute, you stare at the phone like that could make it ring… And the clock conspires against you – every minute stretches forever, and the phone doesn’t get the hint, pretends to torture you with its silence. I honestly HATE this feeling of a knot in my stomach!

Not a week without my mom…

It’s not been a week yet that my mom left after an 8-months stay with us, and I already feel slammed with all those major and minor household duties I need to handle myself from now on. Not to mention having to get up 30 mins earlier now to walk the dog! I want my momma back! Not happening till the fall though…sigh.

Loved it!

If someone in a Home Depot store Offers you assistance and they don't work there, You may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, You may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, You may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, You may live in Canada.
If you know several people Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, You may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, You may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, You may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, You may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- You're going 95 and everybody is passing you, You may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, You may live in Canada. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, You may live in Canada
If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada.

Putting everything into prospective

In an interview with Suzanne Collins I recently watched she said that the idea for Hunger Games came to her, when she switched channels on her TV. One channel was showing some kind of reality show, where bunch of teenagers were competing for cash. The other channel was providing updates on war in Syria, where people and children were dying.