Life is complicated

Yeah, I know I might be asking for Captain Obvious award stating this. Whatever, like I always said, we say banal things over and over again cause they're to the point.

My life's been pretty balanced so far or so I thought. I mean for someone who went through a change of countries and marriages and many more other things it all went pretty smoothly and didn't cause much disturbance in myself. I shrugged things off that others would consider shattering.

We will rock you!

I knew it would happen! I was given a project that will either be my triumph or undoing. I actually volunteered for it, but under the circumstances it was very clear that my boss would put it on my shoulders in no time - he was probably just figuring out what to do at the point, so I jumped a step ahead of him (not a very hard thing to do) and offered my services.

And the big boss said he was confident I could do it - after all I'm a smart girl - so nice to hear that I must admit (even if it was only said to give me a carrot - not sure whether that's the case).

Desensitizing

It's hard to believe now but I was quite sensitive kid. I would get really upset when someone criticized me or merely teased me. I was very sentimental too - I would collect some stupid memorabilia or cry over some touching moment in the movies. This whole thing made me very vulnerable. I found it was annoying and decided to fight it.

Getting my mood back on track

In general I am a very positive person. My glass is half-full most of the time and I am finding positive things in any bad situations. I do! But now and then there are days that really crush you. And when things are that way, it feels way worse for me than for many others. I am not used to feeling down! I have no operation mode for that.

I was having a day like that today - the weather, my boss, an incredibly painful flu shot all came together at once and made me feel down.

But good thing about being a positive person is knowing how to fight these things off. It comes naturally - like, planning a gym visit and a shopping trip and starting looking forward to it. Or getting some annoying task over with - and feeling relief. Or receiving a response to a request you've submitted weeks ago after a reminder you just made to the guy without much hope of hearing back.

Silly tiny things like that do contribute to improving moods once you start noticing them. Oh, and green tea with mint - turns out I am crazy about it! Who would have thought!

My special thanks go to my friend Sairah for not giving up on my miserable whiny self and trying to improve my mood. It worked! ;)

Who are you? What do you want?

Those two questions Jack the Ripper kept asking the two main protagonists of Babylon Five in an episode over and over again. I watched it for the first times in my teenage years. I loved it to pieces but for this episode that creeped me out and gave me goose bumps. Half a life later I remember few things from the series, but this episode is still coming back. Not because of its creepiness, but as an unsolved riddle.

 I guess I figured that one out though. Or rather my life did for me. Those are indeed the two hardest questions for any person. That is, thinking person. And to tell you the truth, my current answer is I don’t know. I am lost and I am not sure I want to look in the mirror and try to analyze what’s going on inside me. I have become so evasive, I've shut so many doors and don’t want to peek behind them no more that I lost myself in the process. I’m going down the the rabbit’s hole deeper and deeper and I am not sure I’ll find my way out.

 I’m pretty sure about one thing – there is no way back. And that freaks me out so much that I am constantly trying to get rid of this realization too. So evasive, so not like myself that I am distressed and upset most of the time. But I can feel the wind of change, I just need to gain enough courage to spread my wings and embrace it.

Fears

I've been pretty fearless for the most of my life. Some people might have even considered me reckless. But since I became a mom, I've been struggling with intensified phobias - fear of flying and fear of cancer skyrocketed in my subconsciousness to the levels that were really interfering with my ability to enjoy myself.

There was a number of issues that contributed to this development - new LOAD of responsibility I've never experienced before (where I want to be there to watch my kids grow, to help them develop into happy people they deserve to be), some turbulence in my personal relationship as well as distrust for the healthcare system that's accumulated over the last three years.

I guess I am out of the woods now though. Maybe the shitty spring and return to work were also part of the problem and now that these are in the past, my self-persuasion of not letting my fears to control my life are finally working. Maybe vacation with my dear friends worked the magic. Whatever the reason, I am grateful I got it under control. Not sure I can say I conquered it yet. 

Live like you were dying

Couple days ago I discovered some swollen lymph nodes in the side of my neck as well as in the armpit.
I went to see a doctor as per Telehealth advice and she sent me to get some tests done. What does a modern person do these days when she discovers something odd with her body? Correct, she googles it. My oh my, do I know everything about the lymphadenopathy there is to know and even more by now!