I went to see a doctor as per Telehealth advice and she sent me to get some tests done. What does a modern person do these days when she discovers something odd with her body? Correct, she googles it. My oh my, do I know everything about the lymphadenopathy there is to know and even more by now!
Lemme tell you something - everyone has their phobias. Mine are wasps and cancer. Wasps had nothing to do with this case. However, lymphoma does. So I researched like crazy. Most of the symptoms didn't fit (i.e. I didn't have any), but still the whole thing scared the crap out of me. Now that it's over (or at least sort of - the X-Ray and blood tests showed I didn't need any more tests, which is a good sign, although I found another swollen node in my groin last night - I will discuss it with the doctor next Tuesday) I can share a curious finding I made while panicking.
My main concern with a possible prospect of dying soon (I wanted to put it nicely, but then thought no need for that) was not me being too young and wishing I got more from life. That was there too, but the main thing was feeling desperately sorry for myself for not being there to watch my babies grow and for my babies for not having me around since I believe in the extreme importance of mother in her children's lives.
For these few days where I waited for the test results the only relief from desperation and worry were snuggling, playing and just watching my wonderful babies. I guess it's the first time I really realized the extend of my love for them - before it was behind the scenes of everyday life with its sleep deprivation, daily routine and never-ending stream of problems that require my time and attention...